Guide to Suicide

Step 1: choose a method. You can't die without a means of dying, but it's essential you're not afraid of the one you choose or at the critical moment, you'll chicken out. Every method is going to hurt. Steel yourself now and recognize that with a fast and lethal method, you will be briefly in the worst pain of your life. Take, shooting yourself: you do not want to be afraid of the gun or the pain. "What if I miss and survive?" "What if I'm only debilitated?" There are people who've jumped off the fucking Golden Gate Bridge and lived. Nothing is certain. But if you're looking to die, the main issue is other people. Mother nature kills the "unfit" a.k.a. your crippled ass after a failed suicide. So you'll be taken out promptly if she gets her work in. If anyone finds you though, you're one knife and tube away from living as a handicap. So come in with confidence and do it alone!

Step 2: leave the world behind. I don't mean kill yourself just yet. Just as the Buddhists say, you need to become 'free from desire' or you're going to mess up the critical moment like I said before. If there's anyone you like, or want to say goodbye to, now's the time. If can think of one person that you get touchy and sentimental thinking about leaving behind, then stop reading, because you're never going to kill yourself. Go have a nice conversation and talk it out - that's all you can do. As for everyone else, burn, sell, or donate your worldly possessions. Now it doesn't have to be everything - it would take too long and probably draw attention - but just the things you would miss in the afterlife. It's like how the Egyptians believed in burying the pharaoh with the things he would take into the afterlife - if there's an afterlife, you'll have that crap with you. Leave a note if you want the scumbags and assholes to know who they are. Otherwise, don't bother. Some say suicide is the loudest message, but that isn't the case. Suicide is for yourself and nobody else. Now, you're ready to leave the world behind.

Step 3: retire. And just like real retirement, you have to choosen when carefully. Too soon and you get nothing; too late and it's not useful. For most people, you should choose an isolated place. Your room's probably not the best place because of the presence of your family. Now, they may all go somewhere at the same time and leave you behind, giving you a golden opportunity, but if you can, you may as well go somewhere foolproof. A hotel room, for instance: nobody wants to barge in and nobody wants to deal with whatever noise is coming from your room. Wherever you settle on, though, you should be prepared to go at a moment's notice. That way you can take advantage of chance. But, if you really are set, and that's going to be the minority of people, you can go out anywhere so long as you're confident. If you believe in the success of your suicide, you can do it anywhere, anyhow. But if you waver, even a little bit, you will fail.

Have fun, and happy suicide!